We're the Guelfis... That's pronounced Well-Fee! So, Guelcome to our blog! Get ready to laugh and smile with us as we share some fun stories from our blessed life!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Who killed the cat? I did!

Before you read this story, please understand that I am a God-fearin', devil-hatin', sin-stompin' Christian. I love ALL God's creatures, although as with humans, I do find some animals more annoying than others. I must admit that cats aren't exactly my most favorite species of the animal kingdom. Call me cruel, but I don't tear up when that ASPCA commercial with sad music comes on showing a malnourished cat with a missing eye. (If you're a cat lover, please do not be offended. I'm glad the little fellers have some friends.) I'm sure cats do have some positive traits, but I just think they are unpredictable and disobedient, they know no boundaries, and they multiply faster than you can say "Friskies." For these reasons, I choose not to have a cat in our home, and though I would never wish harm on any of them, I am not a big fan of stray cats lurking around our neighborhood.

Now, for a little backstory:

Sunday night, Halloween Eve, we got home from church. As usual, Fernando parked the car in our driveway and got Enzo out of his carseat. I got Gabriel. Fernando was almost to the side door when a white cat with a gray tail came out of nowhere! He rushed past Fernando up the garage steps, trying to get in the house! There was a slight tussle of commotion as Fernando shielded Enzo and chased the monster kitty down the steps at the same time. Enzo was yelling, "NO CAT! NO CAT!" My fearless husband ushered us safely into the house and then went back outside for the diaper bags/treat buckets/costumes that were still in the car. From inside the house, I heard another shuffle in the garage. Fernando finally made it in, looking only slightly disheveled, and announced that he had thrown cold water on the kitty because he wouldn't stay out of the garage. We both let out a sigh of relief that the creepy intruder was gone. Surely being doused with ice-cold water in 40 degree temps would keep him away.

Or so we thought...

Monday, Halloween, dawned cold and overcast. I had made plans to take the boys to my Mama's house so I could work in the office. We planned to take the boys trick-or-treating around Mama's neighborhood after I got off work, so I had to make several trips to the car to get everything loaded up. I got the boys buckled in (by then I was ready for a nap), cranked the car, pushed the button on the remote to lower the garage door, and started backing out of the driveway. I then remembered that I needed to put some mail in the mailbox to be picked up. I slung the car back in Park, put the mail in the box and raised the red flag. As I walked back to the car, the breeze picked up and I saw something flapping in the wind at the right side of the garage, caught under the door. It looked like a jacket or a shirt. I figured I'd dropped something out of the boys' diaper bag. I stepped closer to see what it was and then... I shrieked in horror! It wasn't a jacket or shirt! It was a cat! The same cat from the night before! Under my garage door! Squashed flatter than a flour tortilla!

Unable to take in the horror, I ran back to the safety of my car. My mind began racing in a hundred different directions. What do I do? Where did he come from? Who did he belong to? Is this a creepy Halloween prank? And then, as I saw the tail flap in the wind once more, I wondered, "Is he really dead?" I pressed the button to lift the garage door, and... let's just say that it was crystal-clear that the flattened feline was no longer with us. I immediately called Fernando who thought it was both unfortunate and hilarious. He told me to, and I quote, "Grab a broom and move it out from under the garage. I'll bury it when I get home."

Ha ha, very funny, babe. AIN'T HAPPENIN'! There's no way on God's green earth that I'm touching that dead cat. Not even with a 10,000 ft pole. My response? "You can either come get this cat corpse outta my garage or I'm calling animal control."

We agreed that he would take care of it later.

(By this time, Enzo had picked up on the fact that Mommy was seriously freaked out about something and he started screaming "NO CAT! NO CAT!" once more.)

Once arrangements had been made for the disposal, I was eager to get the frisk outta dodge. I then made the gut-wrenching decision (no pun intended) to put the door back down on top of kitty, and back out of there like it had never happened. I was completely grossed out all the way to my Mama's house. I mean, what are the odds that a CAT would bypass all the sensors and detectors and get SQUASHED by a garage door? MY garage door? On HALLOWEEN? I managed to count my blessings and be thankful it wasn't a black cat. Lord knows if it would've been, there would've been a "FOR SALE" sign in my yard pronto.

To make a long and gross story short, and to keep it rated PG, let's suffice it to say that we don't know who the cat belonged to (we checked with all the neighbors). Fernando "got rid of it," bleached and rinsed out the garage, and made me promise to never leave the house on Halloween again.

I don't know what Halloween 2012 might bring, but I can assure you that "NO CAT! NO CAT!" will be involved.

How was your Halloween?

1 comment:

  1. Laura, you're a "born" writer! What a great, hilarious story!!! I needed this! (..I feel the same way about cats...poor kitty..NOT!!) lol

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